Listen, I am so incredibly fucking tired of everyone calling me or texting me asking me if i can do a couple 'favors' for them. no i will not call around so that get stoned. no i do not have my bowls anymore, so don't even ask to use them. no i do not want to hit anything that has pot in it. no i havent smoked in a couple of weeks and i intend to keep it that way. so fuck you all if you have asked me anything in those fields....i'm not your little bitch girl. dont call me for it again.
so long little journal. you were fun. you helped me sort out my feelings but apparently there is someone in these walls that cares too much about me and apparently told my parents what's in here. thank you. i will now be getting all the help that i need...i can only wish i knew who this savior of mine was...
wow this weekend was something that was a lot of fun after loooking back in it but while it was happening i could have possibly killed someone/something. so heres my story: on saturday morning my brothers asked if nat and i would possibly like to go camping with them with some of there friends and nat and i happily agreed thinking it would be a nice night of chilling and smoking and just relaxing around a camp fire...what it turned into however was something that should have been in a freaking reality show.so nat and i finally get onto the dirt roads that lead us back to where we want to go and instead of there being a road right after the third gate we have to go through, there is a 4 ft. cliff drop from the road basically into a river. we see that other trucks have just gone off around the right side and figured that we could too. so he backs up gets some speed and goes for it. so we get pretty close the other side when his traction control kicks in. apparently what traction control does it puts the break on your tires when it feels them not gripping and just spinning so it put the breaks on us, which only caused the freaking avy to basically start sinking into the muck that was underneath the tires. so we got stuck...and im not just talking about dig a little around the tires and then kinda rock it out, no, i am talking aobut we had to sit there for close to two hours until i found a guy in a jeep t hat said he would help us out. when he realized that his car was just being pulled towards us instead of us being pulled towards him, he left and came back aobut 10 minutes later with one of his buddy's...one that had a chevy silverado 2500. it took hooking the jeep up to us to pull and then hooking the checy up to the jeep to also pull. it took both us those cars and a lot of time to get nat's truck unstuck from here. so we thanked the hunters that had helped us and go on our merry little way towards the cow pastures that we have to drive through. so we go through the gate that we think is the right one and about a 100 yards from the gate we got stuck again. same kind of situation, same problem we had before. so after about only 45 minutes of waiting for that i started to walk the 30 minutes back to the hunters camp where i luckily befriended a couple of the hunters wives and one of them drove to go pick up nat while we waited for her husband to come back so that he could help get us unstuck. so we had to wait until well after dark for all the hunters to come back and then finally this womans husband swmap buggy pulls up to us. and i am talking about a jeep frame but like a freaking two story version of one! we finally got back to our stuck truck and thankfully this swamp buggy was finally able to get us out. so nat and i drive on a little bit further when we realize that we are on the wrong path to the cabin. so we turn around adn got stuck in the exact place that this hunter had just pulled us out of! but thankfully he had stuck around to make sure we didnt get stuck again and promptly pulled us back out. (little side note: when we first meet the hunter sober as ever...and then he told us he had to fix himself a quick drink before he helped us out...must have been the biggst stryofoam thing of like basically all whiskey and a shot of coke for color...by the time nat and i left him i dont think he could slur his words any more then he already was.) so then nat and finally get into the right freaking cow pasture and get pretty close to camp and we get to the part were we have to veer off the road and onto the path that leads to the cabin. soon after we got off the road we lost the tire tracks that were were supposed to lead us so now we are just zig-zagging back and forth this freaking pasture trying to find the tire tracks or the opening in the treee lines where we are suppossed to go...while looking at the tree lines and trying to find the fucking tire tracks we get stuck...again. after about 30 minutes i say 'fuck this im walking to the camp' so i grab my back pack and nat and i start walking. in the middle of walking we decide that it will be just aobut impossible to try to find the camp in the pitch dark all around us so we give up on that idea and try to start finding the car. yes that is right...finsing the car because in all the walking that we had already done we had very much lost the truck. at some point my brother finally picks up us phone and gets in his truck to come find us. after this nat and i realize we are then being hunted by the wild boars (with really big tusks). fnially after walking for what was close to two hours we are finally found by my brother and then thankfully it only took us 30 minutes after driving around in his truck to find nats truck. sam pulled the truck out and nat and i FINALLY got down to the cabin. after that things were smooth sailing and we had no problems the next day trying to leave the camp. so this brings me to today when i think that it is all over...but no. lol. while nat and were walking through the cow pasture we kept stumbling upon some 'shrooms and we figured we might as well pick them adn use them on another night. we left them in my lower pocket of my backpack. this morning the lower part of my backpack is covered in the horrid smelling black gunk...yes thats right...the shrooms dissoleved basically into themselves and now i have to throughly wash my backpack and everything that was in the pocket. and that...is a weekend from hell. call me because i want to have some good fun that doesnt involve getting a truck stuck. bye loves!
what do you do when you don't know whats wrong with you anymore? when you can feel that deep down something is deinfatly wrong, but you have no idea what it is or how to help it feel better. sometimes my emotions are so intense and i know exaclty what i am thinking and feeling right then. and then other times sometimes distracts me or something but i feel compleltly dead inside and i feel like i have no grip on what is going on around me. i don't like that feeling and a few of you know what usually happens to me when i start feeling like that. that is usually the time that i really start to rebel. do a drug thats not in my 'normal' list of drugs to do, or just go do something that seems compleltly out of my character, or just not eat for a couple of days. as most of you know my parents and i have been on one hell of a rollar coaster ride since ive been home and i must say that where ive been going in my life isn't where i had ever imagined it could go. thankfully they do have me set up with a thearpist, but at the same time this is when i haven't had anything to eat for 3 days before i notice it, or this is also where i started to experiment with more and more dangerious drugs. and yet i still find it so funny to go back and think about how i was when i left high school, swearing up and down that i would never do a drug, that i was going to do well at FSU, that i was going to meet and fall in love with the guy of dreams...funny how all that worked out. i feel like i did meet and fall in love with the guy of dreams, but what was i suppossed to do when not only did my dreams change, but he was no where near the same person he was when i met him. i remember right after sean adn i broke up and for a while i felt like a shell of the girl that i once was. filling up a void in my life with people that didnt mean that much at the time and drinking enough to live in the ocean. now some of those people i couldn't imagine my life without and drinking is thankfully more on the down low again. but i still miss him, i still think of sean constantly and sometimes when nat is kissing me all i can think about is how this isnt the way sean used to kiss me/hold me/ect. and ill admit it, sometimes i find ways to check up on sean and i feel like i get stabbed in the heart whenever i hear aobut him hanging out with certain people. but at the same time i think 'well i've moved on and he has to too' but how does one know when they have really loved on and away from someone, or have they just been able to put the love, that was once so strong and intense, behind them forever? i want to scream and kick and shout and yell and punch and do anything i can sometimes to get some attention, but i only want it for just a second, just one second for people to see that i still exist and then be gone and disappeared from their lifes forever. let me ask you, if i did that, who would miss me?
lol .... i got my phone back...people please call me...i miss the way my phone sounds...
I GET TO SEE COHEED AND CAMBRIA TWICE THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!! and if that isn't already making me ecastatic....I GET TO SPEND THE WEEKEND IN TALLY AND JAX...which means...EVERYONE THAT I LOVE TIMES 100000000000000, AND I ALSO GET TO SEE MIKE LAW!!!! I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER CREAMED SO MUCH INTO MY PANTIES JUST FROM AN IDEA BEFORE!!!!!
my parents are giving me til my next birthday to get everythign transfered on my name and for me to be just aobut completly independant...i'm okay. i'm in the process of trying to get job and just about moved in with jan. this past week i have really been able to see who my true friends are down here and i never want to leave them again. they are the most amazing people and im so happy that i have been able to surround myself with so many amazing people. everyone in tally: pat is taking me there next saturday so i really cant wait to see you all. and to my friends in jax:ill be there next sunday i dont have a phone but ill find some way to find you. i love my friends and you better beleive that if anyone comes anywhere close to hurting any of them after this week not only will they have to answer to me...but they are going to have to answer to a chrissy who is not oly stronger but feels 1000x stronger about people hurting my friends....don't try it
so this morning when i woke up my dad asks to see my cell phone so unknowingly i went up and gave it to him. it was at this point that my dad explains to me that i will get my phone back in 30 days because of high cell phone bills. now keep in mind, this is a monthly argument between my dad and i because i dont have enough minutes to apprently work with me. now wouldnt it just freaking make sense to get me more minutes and only pay about 10 dollars more a month and not have me go over? personally i think that makes 1000x more sense then just simply taking me phone away from me. but i do have a plan to get my phone back to me asap but im going to need everyones help with it. all you have to do is feel free to call at any time from the only phone line that i now have available to me. thats right you guys blow the shit out of my home phone because then i will get my cell back hopefully within a week. if you need my number just IM me and ill give it to you but like i said just call my home phone as much as you your little hearts desire...
wow everything recently has just been so surreal. Things around me just seem like nothing but a dream and i couldn't be happier with the way things are turning out for me down here. I have the most amazing groups of friends that I could ever ask for and my classes are actually doing somewhat well. And thats not even the best parts of my life. I somehow managed to find (even when i was complelty not looking for anything that even resembled a penis at all) an amazing guy who is actually a lot like me. So far we are just lettings things progress naturally but already he just makes me feel jsut absoultly wonderful. Like take last ngiht for example. He knows exactly how sick I am (baically nothing really in my body that stays in my stomach besides a liquid since tuesday night) so he came over and grilled out a huge steak and some shrimp and some mashed potatoes and some home made garlic bread..oh my god it was the absoulte best and one of the few things that i made stay in my stomach. He knows me already and I don't think I can ever express exactly how scarey that is to me. But this is the only reason I finally decided to give a real update. I've actually been promising one and kinda forced into some for this so here goes:
Kym: i don't think i can express my sentiments toward the government right now or what they are doing with this new 'harriet meyers question'. In my opinon there is no question. this is a direct hit against the roe. v. wade case. one of the biggest things that bush is trying to stress about why she would be a good choice is her religion views and beliefs. Does anyone know why? it's because she is a born again christian and has been going to church every sunday (if not more) for a a very long time. now what does that have to do with anything really? everyone knows that strong christians do not beleive in abortion. but who the hell does the governemtn think they are when they think they can start telling a woman what she can or can not do with her body. I would like to see george w. bush go up to a 16 year old girl who was bruttaly raped by her step-father and tell her that she is to keep the child that is now growing inside of her. fuck you bush. fuck you united states government. kym i'm going to use a quote from you because i think its amazing. 'and since a man can't make one, he has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one' but one the flip side, i also beleive that if you are woman who chooses to have sex with someone that you choose and you know of the consequences then you sohuld live with the consequences of your actions. i know that i take the proper percautions when it comes to these activites and so if something were to happen then i would sit down with the other person involved in decide what we BOTH think would be the best solution. Aboriton is a big thing and i've seen how it fucks with peoples minds. I've seen the bad sides to both sides of the coin and i like to think that my coin found some way to stand staight up.
Marnie:Tell us 20 things about you and then tag 6 others to do it
1. I really like a boy
2. Im addicted to mt dew
3. im in love with my life
4. im really happy with the way things turned out
5. i serioualy question what i will do with the rest of my life
6. i cant stand the us government and i want to turn it all around
7. i regret very things in my life and that is something that im really proud of
8. i absoultly LOVE the color pink
9. i like sex..deal with that
10. im addicted to the oc like its no ones business
11. i like trying new things
12. i scare myself
13. im addicted to nicotine :(
14. im addicted to herbal substances :)
15. i miss nap times and recess
16. when you first meet me i will be the shyest person in the room
17. im actually really outspoken
18. i like politics...i like talking about politics..if you want to debate me ill take you down
19. i love debateing
20. im amazing and im just starting to see that...
I tag: Mary, Kym, Lauren, Austin, Greg, and Kelly Lew
Mary:List 10 things that bring you a moment of joy: Tag six friends to do the same.
1. Mt Dew (always)
2. older cars
3. going fast
5. letting the tires go out behind me
6. '65 mustangs
7. being with my friends
8. greens :P
9. getting a phone call from you
10. singing in my car at the top of my lungs when i know i can't hit a note to save my life...
I tag: Marnie, Kym, Lauren, Austin, Greg, and Kelly Lew (lol)
well everyone i think thats is aobut all for now...i really can't think of anything else that i want to say anymore...
im sorry if you had to find out this way. i never wanted to hurt you and im sorry that we can't talk anymore. for a while you were my everything. but now we are on two completly different books. im sorry things have to be like this and maybe ill see you soon...i look forward to the day when we can see each other again and be okay with that fact...